My Sugar Coated Life. Liana's Body Story.

Welcome to episode #2 of our 'YOUR Bodies' series, where we invite members of our community.

Today we have Liana Stevens, or @mysugarcoatedlife 

Liana is a 45 year old mum of 2 from Nottingham, who started her journey towards neutrality and recovery from Binge Eating Disorder during the pandemic in 2020.

She realised that there has to be more to life than obsessing over the scales and trying to shrink her body with exercise in a bid to make herself happy.

We are so grateful to Liana, who speaks really candidly and opens up about her recent struggles underlining the fact that healing from an eating disorder is just not a linear process.

We hope you will love this episode as much as we loved recording it.

Please reach out if you would like some support with your relationship to food OR movement. Ela currently has limited spaces for Intuitive Eating coaching and if you'd like to reconnect with movement, contact Christine.

AND if you enjoyed this episode, please share and follow the 'Find Your Strong podcast' and if you have time, write us a short review. It would honestly mean the world. Love to you all, Ela & Christine x

Transcript

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Christine Chessman: Hello and welcome to another episode of the find your strong podcast. Now, this is Episode 2 in our your body series, where we invite members of our community to come along and get grilled by us and talk to us about their own body stories and their relationship with movement, with food with their bodies historically. And then today.


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Christine Chessman: today's guest is really very special. She on Instagram. She is sugar coated. No, my sugar coated life.


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Christine Chessman: Her name is Leanna Stevens and Leanna really spoke quite candidly to us, and we really really appreciate that.


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Christine Chessman: So it's quite a conversation, and I hope you benefit from it as much as we did


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Christine Chessman: so. Leanna introduces herself by saying, she is a 45 year old mum of 2 from Nottingham, who started her journey towards body, neutrality and recovery from binge eating disorder in 2020


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Christine Chessman: after the pandemic is when it all changed for her. The time that she spent at home made her realize there's got to be more to life. And obsessing over the scales and trying to shrink her body with exercise in a bid to make herself happy.


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Christine Chessman: So, without further ado, here's Leanna.

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Ela Law: Hello, everybody so lovely to have you listen to our new episode today we have the pleasure and honor to speak with the wonderful liana today, whom Christina and I both know through body, image, fitness, and who's here to share her body story and story about food with us. So welcome, liana. It's great to see you and hear you.

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Liana: Hello, yeah, I know it's nice. We're we're all not in our fitness gear. It's kind of weird.

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Ela Law: Strange, isn't it?

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Liana: Interest, how different.

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Ela Law: Text.

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Christine Chessman: For anybody that doesn't know what body image fitness is. It is an amazing, an amazing platform.

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Ela Law: And amazing.

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Christine Chessman: And with lots of classes, lots of different instructors. And it's basically movement without shame. And you can join monthly can do a 7 day trial. You can do a celebration membership for a year.

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Christine Chessman: All of that. We'll put everything in the show notes. Sorry, Leanna.

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Christine Chessman: back to you.

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Ela Law: Do you want to tell us a little bit about yourself, Vienna? You know anything that you want to share, to introduce yourself to the listeners.

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Liana: Yeah, yeah. My name's Leona. I'm 45. I've been. I know you guys both through body image fitness. Ella, I met you doing the intuitive eating course last year. And Christine, obviously, I met you doing classes.

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Liana: I've been a member about a year, and I've kind of been on my.

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Liana: you know, body neutrality, body image journey for probably since 2020. So maybe a good 4 years now.

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Liana: And yeah, that's how I know you. That's, you know, my social media. Everything I do is to do with

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Liana: me, striving to kind of get body acceptance

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Liana: and enjoy movement and and kind of

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Liana: get back what I think I missed out on in my kind of twenties and thirties. By, you know, having a disordered eating and having a negative relationship with food and with my body. Really.

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Ela Law: yeah. So

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Ela Law: that sounds like you've sort of struggled with that for quite a long time in your life. So can you tell us. What made you move into a different direction? And how did you know that you needed to do things in a different way?

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Liana: So for me, it kind of came to a head during lockdown because I felt like we were kind of all on our own, you know, we went with people, and then, as soon as I was starting to be around people again

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Liana: I realized that every conversation I was having predominantly with women

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Liana: was about dieting, or about our bodies, and how it changed, or what we were eating, and you know, and certainly during lockdown, all the conversations seem to be. This is what I've eaten. I need to move more. And I really did get to a point. One day when I was just sat. And I thought, I,

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Liana: this can't just be what it's about. I can't do this. The rest of my life

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Liana: just be fixated because, even though I've never really. I've done a couple of diets in my life. Diets haven't kind of been my way of life, but certainly with the disordered relationship with food.

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Liana: You know, I was fixated on food, and I still am.

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Liana: But yeah, I just got to the point. I thought, I can't. This can't be what we're here for.

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Liana: you know this can't be. My only contribution to the world is if I get a bit thinner.

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Liana: And you know that's not putting that shame onto people around me. It was just that. I kind of it was like a bit of an Aha moment of stepping back and going.

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Liana: Oh, okay, no, I can choose. No, I can choose my feelings on this or how I react to these situations. And so I just started to. You know, I haven't got a huge income. I'm a single parent, you know, work a lot of hours. So it wasn't like I had the luxury of going. I'm gonna go and, you know, talk to somebody, or or

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Liana: you know, or engage, start engaging in the therapy that I needed. So I just started looking online, really, and found loads of really good resources.

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Liana: Some books. Mostly following social media accounts

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Liana: and just hearing just completely changing my social media feed.

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Liana: because up until then it was.

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Liana: you know, it was just very different. And I literally remember the day sitting on my phone and just on following so many accounts.

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Liana: And then

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Liana: following a few people and then looking at who they were following. And it was like, you know, that that kind of domino effect.

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Liana: and I think over the you know, the months after that you kind of suddenly start to realize that you're changing, because all of a sudden people are talking, and I'm just switching off.

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Liana: You know, I have Mo. A lot of my friends are very movement focused and we walk together and we run together.

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Liana: But for them it's always checking the watch. How many calories? What do I need to do today? And it just felt like one day I went.

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Liana: I'm just not like that anymore. And that's when I started to realize things were changing for me.

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Liana: And I can kind of close myself off, but it's not easy to do that.

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Liana: But yeah, that's that's kind of where I started to get into. It was very much about the social media I consumed, and the books I was reading, and just everything I was doing every day, and reading, listening, talking to people, and getting to make new connections as well, and a lot through body, image, fitness, and the people I met through that.

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Christine Chessman: You know the social media gets such a bad rep, doesn't it? Rightly so for many things? But it's definitely you find your own little. It's like a little haven for me. It's like a little safe haven, that little bubble full of non-diet fitness, professionals and nutritionists and

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Christine Chessman: and people that just want a different way forward that don't want to spend their life obsessing about exactly what they put in their body, and exactly how much movement they do. And I think that's if you can do what you did and detox your feed.

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Christine Chessman: It's so powerful, isn't it? It just makes such a difference. And a lot of the education I had was from social media, or a lot of the book recommendations. Exactly as you said. I wonder is there one book or one blog, or anything like that that really stood out for you. Leanna.

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Liana: The I think the the

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Liana: the thing that I think changed my thinking the most was actually when I so I signed up for body image fitness because of Ella's intuitive eating course.

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Liana: so I remember I remember seeing it cause I'd followed body image fitness, and I was like, Oh, I'm not sure if I can justify this, you know, with budgets and things. And then I've been kind of hearing about intuitive eating, and I didn't read understand it, and I know there's a book, but it to me, you know.

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Liana: It was just very dry to just sit and read a book. And then I saw this course, and I thought, you know what I can just fight for a couple months. I'll do the course.

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Liana: you know. And then I saw Becky Scott. It misfits did.

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Christine Chessman: This is not.

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Liana: I might. I might just do one of her classes, you know, and I just thought I'll just do it for a little bit.

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Liana: And then met a couple of people through doing Ella's intuitive eating course, and we have a little Whatsapp group like a little support group of people. And so we would have our 1 h sessions. And then we chat about it and our Whatsapp group. And that was really a game changer for me, because we'd recommend books, you know, or or resources, or something we've read, or something we'd heard, and actually just connecting with, like 2 other people

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Liana: and kind of going. Oh, we're all kind of in the same boat here. And so that was really a big game changing moment for me. And that's when I think the detox in the social media came in because obviously Ella recommended things, and then following Becky and doing her classes. And you'd start to follow people and have conversations and join new communities, so that kind of felt like when the floodgates opened. I think for me.

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Ela Law: It's just lovely to hear I'm so chuffed to hear that. And also, I think, something that you really highlighted. There is the sense of community which we don't have in our normal lives, because everyone else is on a diet train or talking about sort of diet, culturey things. And it can feel really sort of

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Ela Law: alienating because we we don't feel like we're part of that tribe anymore. We're not actually interested in those conversations. We're not actually wanting to talk about it, because we're making peace with our body and with our relationship with food and all of that, so it can feel really lonely at times. So having that community, whether that is through social media, and you engaging with non diet accounts, or having that beautiful Whatsapp group that you're still

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Ela Law: part of and finding community, our body image, fitness, or anything like that. I think that is just not to be underestimated. How important that can be when you're doing this kind of work, and when you're doing, when you're on that sort of journey, because it's it can be Re, I mean, even

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Ela Law: Christine will probably agree with me here. Even as a nutritionist and a fitness professional. I can feel really lonely in this space, because so many other people are sort of in in, immersed in diet culture. So if you're doing this in a non professional way for yourself.

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Ela Law: that's, you know, it's it's almost imperative to have that community. So I'm really chuffed that that happened for you. That's brilliant. That's wonderful.

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Christine Chessman: And I mean, it's it's crazy how small the community is still like when you're surrounded by it. You're like, Oh, look at all of us but the tiny little island amongst like massive sea of diet culture. But it's you need that community. Otherwise, you know, it's really hard to actually keep going in the path, because it's not an easy road. After we were talking about this earlier, Leanna, it's not easy, because all the messaging is telling you the opposite.

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Christine Chessman: It's like, no, no, just follow this, you know. Calorie deficits. Blah blah, you know. Body transformations, beach body ready, summer body ready. Christmas dress. Blah! It's really hard to ignore that, and just be no, I'm going to be myself, as I am going to show up as I am going to take up space. It's very hard.

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Liana: Is, but I think there is a certain, and I've said this to a few people in the last year or so. I just turned 45 this year, and I think there is a certain confidence for women as we get to this age where you do start to go.

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Liana: I don't really care what other people think as much.

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Christine Chessman: Yeah.

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Liana: And I'm finding that a lot of my friends are starting to feel the same way. So I think it's it'll it's all kind of come to a head of oh, actually, I don't mind being standalone, but that community is so important that you find that. And I, you know I'm really lucky that there are people on Instagram, and when I put a funny story up, or, you know, make an honest post and some normal message and react to it. And that just kind of reinforces you when you go. Okay. I'm not on my own here.

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Liana: you know, as well as having communities on Facebook cause. I'm part of, like the fat chat community and the life after diets community. And so actually, I'm really tailoring my social media so that as soon as I log in. I'm seeing those kind of messages rather than

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Liana: you know anything that would, because I don't really watch a lot of TV. With adverts and things like that. So I'm lucky that I'm not constantly seeing celebrity news and all that kind of stuff. I think it would. Just

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Liana: yeah, I couldn't cope with that.

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Christine Chessman: Yeah, I mean, we're talking about sort of having teenage kids and stuff. You know.

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Christine Chessman: My my daughter likes bless her! She likes too hot to handle, and those kind of shows like all the you know, the love is blind, which I don't mind, but there's some awful ones, and the thing is, I do like a bit of real high spives here and there. I have to be honest cause it is this bubble gum, but it. The messages are not good that are filtering through there.

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Christine Chessman: so I always kind of very vocal about every time I she's like. Will you watch it with me, but then she hits it because I'm like, where's the diversity? There's every time we watch it. I'm like, not how people actually look. She's like, Shut up, Mom.

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Ela Law: The message will sink in.

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Christine Chessman: Oh, I don't know.

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Ela Law: Cuisine.

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Christine Chessman: I don't know. But how do you find it with your son, Leanna?

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Christine Chessman: Is there any.

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Liana: Yeah, I I find you've got. I have 2 sons. One's in the army, and he's gonna be 20 soon, and he is

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Liana: tall and quite slim. He's very. He's really found his place in the army, but he loves he has a Pt. Every day. He's obsessed like I do. Zoom calls with him. He's another country, and he'll be showing me his muscles and stuff. And then my other son, who's 13. He's I mean. He's 13. He's nearly 6 foot he's definitely got more my body shape. And even though he's really really active, you know, that was more.

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Liana: See? That's been more difficult for me, because I think people judge him like. Even last night he went

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Liana: for his 1st Rugby training session just to see if he liked it.

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Liana: And they said, You know, we're really surprised that you kind of kept going because he's got that in him. And I was like.

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Liana: you know, he didn't need to hear that. But he is. He's kind of like. I'll keep going. He goes out all the time, plays football with his friends, but because he is in a bigger body.

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Liana: And that frustrated me. But

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Liana: it. You know I have friends that have teenage daughters, and I see it's a very different.

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Liana: I mean social media in general. If you've got a teenage daughter, you know. So some of my friends have taken the phones away from daughter. You know.

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Christine Chessman: Yeah, I, just.

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Liana: So I haven't really had to deal with that. And

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Liana: and the stuff my my son watches. He's he's like me. We don't really watch a lot of that kind of TV and reality, TV, especially, but yeah, it's frustrating. When you get that kind of reaction. You're like.

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Christine Chessman: Now that is oh, I hit that for you and your son. That is just why why, oh, cause it's already given him a message that he doesn't need to have in his head. It doesn't it? They could have just said you did a great job. Well done.

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Liana: Exactly. Yeah, exactly. That's all I wanted. That's all I wanted him. But you know, I've tried to say to go back, because they've said.

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Liana: you know, keep coming. You probably need to do a bit of cardio work on your cardio, which is fair, which which I don't really mind, because he does play a lot of football and stuff. But I said to him, well, we could. We could try and do the couch 5 K type thing.

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Liana: I I run. I don't run continuous. I do run, walk. That doesn't take that away from me. You know I'm not striving to be a continuous runner anymore. And I said, Well, we could do that, you know, cause that's something, he said. Well, I wouldn't mind doing okay. Well, we'll do it. You don't need to.

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Liana: you know. I mean, I don't play Rugby. I guess you do need to run around for Rugby, but.

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Christine Chessman: But this, this is something that I love talking about is the Run Walk thing, not being a continuous runner, because that's I used to always be a continuous runner.

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Christine Chessman: and now I am very much a.

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Christine Chessman: as I feel. Run, walk, just just whatever works for me on any particular day, and so if I want to go for a run, I'm not feeling it. I'll run walk.

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Christine Chessman: because that'll get me out the door

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Christine Chessman: if I know I've got to run. There's no way I'm going out the door, and I also just stop when I want to stop turns out you're allowed to.

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Ela Law: Is opening options for me right now.

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Christine Chessman: Yeah.

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Ela Law: Because I always thought, Oh, I can't! I can't run for very long, so I might as well not bother. But the run walk is such a good idea. Actually, it might actually get me out because I I've got issues with my feet, and if I run continuously they will be very angry with me, but if I run, walk I might just give that a go.

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Christine Chessman: Absolutely and Jill, Angie Jill Angie. If you don't follow her liana, you need to follow her. She's in a previous. Podcast I did. But she's her. Her handle is not your average runner.

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Liana: So I do.

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Christine Chessman: Self! Proclaimed fat running coach for women over 40. I love her. I love her ethos, and she's basically, if you run walk, you're a runner, you know, if you if you run at all, you're a runner, you know. It's this thing. Oh, I'm not really a runner. We always apologize for ourselves. It's like, Oh, I don't really run. Yes, you do.

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Liana: Yeah, you do. I did when I did I. So I did a half Marathon in 2019. And I I did run, walk with that, you know we did. We did it on the structured, you know, so many minutes running and walking, just to keep the focus.

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Christine Chessman: At them. But that's how.

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Liana: But that's how I did it. That's what I needed to do at the time, because I have them. I have liver disease.

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Christine Chessman: And.

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Liana: I'm not. I'm not as symptomatic now. But definitely. 5 or 6 years ago I was a lot more, and I have a lot of pain, and the week from a half Marathon I train months, for I start to get real pain, and my nurse was a runner, and she said, look, I'm not gonna tell you not to do it, but you need to listen to your body.

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Liana: you know, and I run the 1st 5 K continuous, and then cause I was running with a friend. I just looked at her when I don't think I can carry on, and she goes, let's do run, walk.

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Liana: and do you know what it was still to this day the best one I've done? Because

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Liana: because the pressure was off I wasn't going to run continuous. I've never cared about the times

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Liana: we just enjoyed it. It was Liverpool Rock, and roll, half Marathon, and as well.

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Christine Chessman: It's a good time.

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Liana: And it was. It was just so good. And i i i finished that race, no matter how difficult it was, because it was tough, with a massive smile, and all the race photos have just got me and my friend beaming.

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Liana: And and even now I just think.

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Liana: when I go out and run, walk, because I've always used to run in groups until this year, and then I start running on my own.

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Liana: And I just I don't even do it to a time. You know there are some people that do time run work. I'll do 1 min, and I don't even do that. I literally turn my watch on. Don't look at it again.

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Liana: And then some days, like the other day, I I went out walking, I fancy, to run halfway through, and then I wanted to walk again.

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Liana: or sometimes I'll do a minute or 2, and then I'll stop and walk, because I'm like

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Liana: that's all I need. I just wanted to be out on my own, you know. It's more from a mental health than

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Liana: try to try.

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Christine Chessman: This is, I used to have a running coach. Cause I used to do like do marathons and all that kind of crap. Sorry, I said, it's okay. Crap is okay.

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Ela Law: We're allowed to swear. Aren't.

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Christine Chessman: Or licenses are. I was like oh, no,

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Christine Chessman: But she used to say, you know, if I did a half Marathon and I did it in a really good time she'd go. You could do better. You could do better, and then she'd go get in your pancave. So for her it was. Get in the PIN cave and stay in the pancave. So that's why I used to run. It used to just be painful.

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Christine Chessman: and you know you tend to get endorphins at the end of it. But I can't imagine going back there now.

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Christine Chessman: because why would I

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Christine Chessman: is. It's not bringing me anything that I can't get from running in a different way.

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Christine Chessman: But I just I wanted to touch on. You were mentioned about you listening to your body, and you have liver disease. And do you feel that because of that, you're more

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Christine Chessman: tuned in to your body and what it needs, maybe, than than other people.

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Liana: I think from a pain from a pain point of view. Yeah, I have to be because.

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Christine Chessman: And yes.

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Liana: I remember doing some running training a few years ago, when I was running my 1st 10 K. And the the running leader I had at the time. She was a nurse.

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Liana: you know, and so she would run at the back with me when I was struggling a little bit, and just kind of keep me going, and just and kind of say, you know what you need to rest.

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Liana: And actually she was the one who at at that time of my life I was in a really bad relationship, and I lost a lot of weight, and I was eating.

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Liana: you know, under 500 calories a day. I was in a really bad place, and she was the one who would see me running and go. What have you eaten today? You know.

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Liana: And it was kind of then that I started to go. Oh, yeah, you need to fuel to run, no matter how, not matter what your body size is, you need to fuel to run so.

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Liana: But yeah, I think you know, and also doing that half, Marathon, and knowing that if I ran through that pain it was not going to be a good. It would set me back, because.

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Liana: you know, being again being on your own, I can't.

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Liana: I need to go to work. I've got 2 kids to look after, you know. I can't just go. I'm just gonna rest for a bit. So it really made me go. Okay, I need to listen to my body. But yeah, I do think

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Liana: in terms of.

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Liana: you know, being able to identify what I need. I think it does help when you kind of are in tune, like, I'm at the hospital all the time having blood tests and stuff which is just precautionary and having scans.

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Liana: But still, my nurse, it's really funny. She's been my nurse for like 20 years, and she said recently, I've got to ask you some questions. How often do you move?

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Liana: And I was like.

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Ela Law: Get out!

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Liana: And she was like, and I need to tell you to do 3 lots of activity, 30 min a week and stuff. And I was like, what conversation are we having? And she goes, oh, it's a tick thing. I've got to do it on a system. And I'm like.

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Liana: Okay, you know, and I guess I get flagged up because I mean I haven't been weighed in years at the hospital. I refuse to, but I think they've got my old weight. And they're like, Oh, okay, we need to make sure there's not an issue here, but she knows me well enough that she goes. We just need to do this. Just answer these questions and even getting hope. Today I had a hospital letter, and it was from my appointment last week, and it was just, and at the bottom it was like this patient runs 2 to 3 times a week and walks and stuff. And I'm like, really, you know that's a caveat for you guys that's got nothing to do with my liver.

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Ela Law: Yeah.

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Liana: But I just let it go over. Now, I'm like, Okay, you guys do what you need to do to tick a box. That's fine.

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Ela Law: But it sounds like you've you've obviously spoken to your healthcare providers about, you know. I don't want to be weighed. I don't. I'm doing this, and I'm you know, sticking to my guns here. How do you? How do you actually communicate what you're doing to

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Ela Law: everybody else who might still be swimming in diet culture. I'm thinking about colleagues and friends. Do they all know what you're doing? And how have you introduced the concept of intrutive eating and intrutive movement to them. I'm just curious, because that might be quite a helpful thing for anyone listening to kind of understand what they could be doing, because it can be just so so different for people to even wrap their heads around. So how did you approach that with your friends and family?

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Liana: I think, with with close friends. I've always just been very open and honest, you know. A lot of my close friends are kind of still into that diet culture, and and I don't judge them for that.

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Christine Chessman: No.

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Liana: And they have conversations about their weight and stuff, and I and they kind of I know they know that I just kind of turn off a little bit to it, because I know

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Liana: I'm not gonna be upset by it. I can. I'm at the stage now where I can let it go over my head if they want to talk about. It's not gonna affect me

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Liana: with with other people, maybe colleagues and people like that that I'm not as close to. That's been a bit more difficult. But I think for me, because my social media is, you know, I think it's quite clear on my social media. You know my thoughts and my feelings, but not, I know, and not everyone can do that. They don't want to talk about their journey publicly. But I just try and do that. And even, you know, even talking to some people sometimes, you know, one of my colleagues at work has just become a swimming world consultant.

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Liana: And that's that has been difficult. That's been really difficult, because.

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Liana: there's a lot of talk about it. And I'm friends with her on Facebook, and she's really trying to build her business, and I can see all my friends and colleagues sharing it. And I'm like I just can't bring myself to do it, but I know she.

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Liana: but we still get. You know I know she respects my decision, and I respect hers.

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Liana: But if I ever heard anything, and I have heard a couple of comments before, I'll kind of say.

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Liana: no, we don't, you know. We don't talk that way about food.

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Liana: But yeah, I think around me, I've just been quite vocal. It's been a bit more tricky because a lot of my family live in the States, and it's not a conversation I could have with them day to day. But

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Liana: when I was over there this time.

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Liana: you know, I tried to kind of introduce that I'm fine with food. I don't need, you know, cause some of my family members were on diets, or they still talk in that way where they'll kind of say, Oh, I shouldn't eat this, or, you know I've eaten this. I need to do this instead. But I just try and respect people's decisions now and think, well, I'm not really gonna change your mind. I'm just gonna

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Liana: trying to stay in my community, and you know, make sure that the messages you give to me kind of go over my head if they're not what I want to hear.

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Liana: but I will send it myself that when it comes to medical stuff I will absolutely go in and say

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Liana: No, unless there's a reason you need to weigh me like prescribing or something not today. Thank you.

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Christine Chessman: It's a it is a tick box exercise, really, for most of the doctors, isn't it? They've not had any nutrition, you know, education or anything like. There's no reason

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Christine Chessman: that they need to take people's weight, you know, they only there's very few medications controlled medications that you do need to know somebody's way, but they are I mean very few.

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Christine Chessman: And so, but it's it's hard to advocate for yourself, isn't it? It's just.

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Christine Chessman: but it it's once you do it once you kind of get right

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Christine Chessman: big.

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Ela Law: Sounds like you've got some really healthy boundaries at play.

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Christine Chessman: Yeah, yeah.

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Ela Law: I stand up for myself if I need to, but also kind of what everyone else does is not really my business, but it

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Ela Law: it can be really triggering for some people, but you're obviously in a place where you can let that go over your head, and it doesn't really affect you other people

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Ela Law: say so. You've sort of set. That internal boundary isn't like this is not my. This is not my circus, you know. That's not something.

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Liana: Yeah, that's

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Liana: yeah. Cause I think people see me. And they're like, Oh, you're an extrovert because I'm on social media, or I do videos or whatever. But actually, I'm kind of an introvert extrovert. I like time of my own, and I think because I give myself that time I do see a therapist, you know, once in a while, and I think that has really helped. We don't really focus on anything with food. But I think just talking to someone has really helped me assert other boundaries in my life. And that's the knock on effect is that I've realized that

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Liana: if I worry about what people think about me all the time. It's just not. It's not a good road to be on

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Liana: but I think it is hard. Sometimes I get a bit tired. Sometimes I think I don't wanna have to assert Boundary today. But I think also, being, you know, solo parenting and doing all that I think you kind of get that in a confidence a bit from that, and it goes into the rest of your life.

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Liana: But yeah, there's definitely some days where I think I can't be bothered to. There are some people you just know, you're not gonna change their mind, and there's no point in me arguing with somebody.

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Liana: Not that I would argue with people, but you know what I mean. There's just some people you think this isn't gonna be worth my time. So I'm just gonna

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Liana: no, I didn't look at you and move on with my day.

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Ela Law: That sounds very familiar. I do that a lot is like yes, absolutely no. No point wasting my breath on this one.

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Christine Chessman: And I think what we were saying earlier is, there's there's not a judgment for anybody who's

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Christine Chessman: still going to slimming world, or still doing any of that. That's I. You know we believe in body autonomy. Just do what works for you. But often it's just they don't have the knowledge. It's not, you know, and we've all been there. So we've I've lived most of my life in diet culture, so I could never judge anybody else for doing exactly what I've been doing my whole life.

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Christine Chessman: But it's almost sometimes it's nice to plant the seed, isn't it?

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Christine Chessman: Just like plant a little seed, because people are kind of shocked. They're like, Oh, you don't do like before and after you don't weigh people. You don't do meal plans. And why, you know they're they're actually oh.

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Christine Chessman: movement can just be movement, really

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Christine Chessman: like, what do you think.

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Liana: Yeah. But and I think that's that I don't judge anyone that is on any of these diets and things. I don't. I absolutely don't judge you because we all have to have some control over our body, and if it helps you to have that structure, you know you do you? I just. I don't want to have that kind of messaging around me which is.

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Liana: don't eat that, or or someone you know, saying to me, Oh, well, as long as you're healthy, you know.

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Liana: See collective grown

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Liana: so hopefully.

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Christine Chessman: I just was interested to know, because you were sort of saying about food earlier. How is your relationship with food? And you know you've you did the course with Ella. When was that? Was that post Covid? During.

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Liana: Yeah, last year, I think, yeah, last year.

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Christine Chessman: Why has it been for you since then, cause we were just talking about the fact that people expect so when they start intuitive often to be there to be. I am an intuitive leader within like 2 months, and you think you've had diet culture for 30 years, and I am like. Yay, it takes time. I'm just wondering how you getting on with it all.

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Liana: Yeah, I think really good like, I said when I did. Ella's course it kind of it planted the seed really for me and intuitive eating.

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Liana: I think there was. It was around then that I was talking to my therapist about

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Liana: binge eating, cause. That's that. That was the the, you know, disordered eating that I have

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Liana: and so I was just starting to explore that, and I think kind of opening up

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Liana: and talking about it with someone was completely no shame was just a game changer.

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Christine Chessman: Yeah.

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Liana: Cause it was. It was that vulnerability, you know I love my Brene Brown. So the idea of going this is the most shameful thing about me, and I talk about it, and I've said about it on Instagram, and I've told a few friends about it and stuff, and I think bringing it out really helped.

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Liana: So now, with food. I mean, things have been a lot better in the last year.

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Liana: But I think it's the idea of. If I do fall into that pattern again, that it's

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Liana: not judging myself and just being able to treat myself with kindness. So I did, you know a few weeks ago, I think I put somebody on Instagram, and it said, I have fallen into some of those patterns again.

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Liana: But actually, this time I remember. So I was specifically remember sitting on the couch afterwards and going.

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Liana: this is fine. This is not who I am. This is just reacting to something going on in my life. Maybe I'll give you some thought, and maybe I'll journal and and that was a completely different.

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Christine Chessman: Wow!

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Liana: For me, because before it would have been

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Liana: Oh, God! Look what you've done right. Get outside and go. Do a 10 h, walk or something.

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Liana: but I think food food still gives me a lot of anxiety. I don't think I'll ever be

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Liana: be able to not look at a menu when I'm going to a restaurant. So I know what I'm eating. I just can't. I can't relax around food. I have a lot of routines around food like I eat the same breakfast, the same lunch.

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Liana: because really, if someone said to me tomorrow you could snap your fingers, and you'll just be full all the time. I would take that because

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Liana: I don't think eating food has a lot of enjoyment for me

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Liana: anymore. And that's just because of you know how I've been for my whole life. I would like to. I would like to change it.

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Liana: But food very much is fuel for me at the moment, and that's and I'm I'm happy with that I'm happy to go. This is fine food is fuel right now.

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Liana: And that's hard. When you work in a bakery, and you're surrounded with cakes, and they're lovely, and cakes about enjoyment, isn't it? And I still do enjoy sweet things, and people see me, and I get excited. And I'm like, Oh, look at this little thing. But

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Liana: yeah, eating. It gives me a lot of anxiety.

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Ela Law: But I it sounds like you also given yourself a lot of grace and kindness. And I think the non, the non judgment part is just so incredibly

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Ela Law: powerful to kind of say, actually, this is fine, and also what you said about using it as a way of investigating. Well, what is go? Why did that just happen?

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Ela Law: Why did I eat that, or why did I eat that much? And I think that is really key. Because that way. You are exploring the underlying thing that your relationship with food is just a symptom for, because your relationship with food is just a symptom of something else that's going on. And

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Ela Law: and it sounds like you're doing that by kind of saying, Oh, okay, let's just have a think about what was going on for me today. Did I have a stressful day to have a an argument, and my hormone, or whatever it is, there's usually a reason for us eating us in a certain way. And I think that that is part of intuitive eating. So whilst you might feel like you're never gonna be able to go to a restaurant and look at a menu without feeling anxious around it. I think it is about all these small steps that add up to somewhere where you can feel at peace.

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Ela Law: Yeah.

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Liana: Yeah, I think that's I think that's that's it. I I would. That's that's kind of where I would like to be in the future. But at the moment it and it is, it's not been overnight that's taken a long time to get to that. I mean. That was, that was literally a conversation I had a few weeks ago. So you think I've been kind of on this journey for a few years?

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Liana: And you know it's taken me down to go. Okay, this is fine. This is, this is okay. But I I do have. I have hope.

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Christine Chessman: And this is, you know, what, Leanna, we were talking about this in our previous. Podcast. Just before you arrived, we still have thoughts that I absolutely so. I'm more from a restriction background, from an eating disorder anorexia background. So if I'm going through a really hard time, that was my coping strategy.

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Christine Chessman: So my mind goes. Oh, I'll just restrict.

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Christine Chessman: and that's my immediate response. It's almost like an automatic bang.

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Christine Chessman: I don't do it now.

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Christine Chessman: you know I go? No, you're not Christine. And I.

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Christine Chessman: Yeah. But I do then treat myself with some kindness.

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Christine Chessman: and think what's going on for you, because obviously that's coming up. You feel like your body is wanting to keep you safe. There's something going on, and I think that self compassion is key

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Christine Chessman: to kinda keep and going in the intuitive eating way. Isn't the Ella.

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Ela Law: Snap!

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Christine Chessman: But on not judging yourself exactly. Not if the thoughts come up. It's okay.

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Christine Chessman: Because they're they're going to.

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Christine Chessman: It's it's that doesn't mean it doesn't mean anything bad. It just means that.

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Christine Chessman: you know you've you've all of those years.

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Christine Chessman: and you're only doing intuitive for that long. So you're just you're just trying to like edge it out a little bit. I don't know. That helps me. Certainly when the thoughts come that it's it's okay. If they come.

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Christine Chessman: you know, it doesn't mean anything.

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Liana: But I don't think for me it wasn't that. I mean. That idea of what's going on was almost like a surprise to me when it popped to my head, and I thought, Where did that come from? That feels very grown up like

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Christine Chessman: But.

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Liana: You know, and people have said to me before, there's been a few people who've messaged me on Instagram like, how did you start. How did you?

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Liana: You know? How did you get to where you are now? And I think I can't really pinpoint one thing.

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Liana: But yeah, that compassion thing, and that's really hard, because I think it depends on your mental health as well.

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Liana: Because I think if you're in a really

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Liana: negative place and other things going on that would be really difficult. If I was binging a a point at that, I don't think I would have

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Liana: that

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Liana: kind of insight to go. Why am I doing this? It was because the binging kind of came out of nowhere and everything else is okay. And I went, oh, hold on what isn't okay. So I also try and think, okay, maybe there might be a point in the future where things aren't.

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Liana: It's easy for me to.

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Liana: We feel this strong or feel this positive about it.

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Liana: but we'll just have to wait and see what happens when we get there, and and just have to hope that maybe if I'm training.

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Liana: you know, training my brain and changing my thoughts that maybe if it does happen again, things you know, I'll have that foresight to go. Hold on! Let's just take a minute, you know, cause for me.

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Liana: I realized a few years ago that my mental health is very much linked to movement.

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Liana: So it's such, so.

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Christine Chessman: So I was, gonna ask just what I was. Gonna ask, how does movement impact your mental health? Tell us exactly

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Christine Chessman: what works for you? What's when you know, can you? On different days you need different things, or how does it work for you?

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Liana: So it was actually my therapist that helped me. Figure that out. Because I thought I remember going and talking to him and going, I think, when I binge. I then have to go and do movement afterwards.

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Liana: you know, and it was him that we started to unpick it, and things and and kind of came to the conclusion, actually.

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Liana: it's it's like your body wants to get you to this point where you are moving. And I thought, Oh, yeah, okay, there's a bit of a light bulb.

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Liana: And so I think up until then exercise has always been something I had to do, cause I live in a bigger body. I've got to exercise that was my thinking before and then.

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Liana: you know, when I started running, and then when

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Liana: I got injured after the half Marathon and I couldn't run for a long time, and so I'd just walk on my own.

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Liana: And I thought this feels this feels great cause. I would just pide phones in, go for a walk, and I still do that now. As well as do the classes with body image fitness. So that's what I kind of call my more structured exercise. But the movement that I do for me is my running. But then, you know I don't do a huge amount of that.

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Liana: I tried to do it weekly, but I do a lot of walking.

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Liana: and I walk with friends at the weekend. We've got a little group of us. Or I'll walk on my own in the evenings, and I realize that that is, you know, massively linked to how

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Liana: good you know how my mental health really cause. As soon as I do that I just feel better.

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Liana: I just feel better sometimes a lot of times I used to have headphones in all the time. Sometimes. Now I've realized just having headphones in with nothing. Playing

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Liana: is perfect as well, and that that's been really, that's been an eye opener to me, because it was just one day a few months ago, I was like, I can't listen to this, and I turned off. And I realized I've walked an hour with nothing going on. And I thought maybe I need to do that more often.

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Liana: because it was nice having the headphones in, because it kind of stopped me looking at every little sound everywhere.

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Liana: but yeah, for me, the walking. And just, you know, just

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Liana: not putting a timer on it and just going

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Liana: walking outside. I live next to a lake.

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Liana: And I live in a little town, and I just go and walk, and I just set myself a little challenge. So I go left or right. So there's no, you know. I just kind of go where I want to go. But that is a luxury thing, because my son's a bit older now, so I couldn't really do that when he was younger, because I didn't really want to leave him on his own.

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Liana: But we used to walk together a lot in the pandemic and stuff, but that's if I didn't have that, or if I can sense that, I'm starting to feel down, I just kind of go much. Go for a walk.

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Liana: you know, even if just a mile to the local Tesco's, it's still a walk. That's fine.

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Christine Chessman: It's the power of movement, isn't it? It's just amazing. I I feel exactly the same with movement. It

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Christine Chessman: sort of centers me. And just

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Christine Chessman: get on with the day.

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Christine Chessman: Yeah.

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Liana: No, it is. That's why I mean the classes I do with body image fitness. I love the early morning classes because

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Liana: it just it's before I can even think about what's doing. You know. You see me at 25 past 6 in the morning. I'm like I can't. I can barely see my phone.

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Ela Law: Sorry.

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Liana: It's you have getting it done. And I'm like, Okay, I've done my movement and it does it genuinely make. I think it starts my day on a more positive way, like I feel a bit

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Liana: I just feel a bit brighter when I've exercise 1st thing, and it's if I run or walk it tends. If I've run, it's early in the morning.

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Liana: but yeah, I think movement being a positive thing and something I enjoy.

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Liana: you know, I always think of myself when I was 16, and hating PE at school, and then, you know, I pay. I used to pay to go enter half marathons in 5 K's. And you're like, what? Who am I now? I'm paying somebody to go and run. What is this

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Liana: but a again? That's a massive revelation for me to go. I enjoy movement, and I like to try all different things. I did a belly dancing class with some friends last month.

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Liana: you know, and just going. Yeah, let's try this. And one of my friends said recently, Does anybody want to try paddle boarding? And I was like, yeah, I'll give it a go, you know. I just try and say yes to stuff, because I think

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Liana: might as well try it and see if I like it. You know there are. I will say there are some things, because I'm in a bigger body that I think. Oh, God!

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Liana: You know the the paddle boarding was, like all you know, wetsuits and stuff. But I try and think

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Liana: no one's gonna really care what I look like, you know, I think I just. I get worried about looking a bit silly. But that's just the thing in my life, anyway. I don't like what people kind of laugh at me.

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Christine Chessman: But that is.

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Liana: It is. Yeah.

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Christine Chessman: That it's that when you start, then movement, for reasons that are not about weight loss or not about trying to sort of keep your body or maintain a certain body, shape it. The world opens up. It's like, Oh, I could literally do whatever I want.

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Ela Law: Isn't it.

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Christine Chessman: Body align in terms of health and and sort of mobility, and all of that kind of stuff. But I mean I did some a whole thing of. I think it was about 6 months of pool fitness, poll.

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Liana: Wow, yeah.

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Ela Law: Your posts! Christine!

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Christine Chessman: I mean it was.

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Ela Law: Super, woman.

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Christine Chessman: That's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Oh, my goodness! I and I was so judgmental, and I prejudged how hard it was, I thought it'd be fine

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Christine Chessman: oh, unbelievable! But it's that kind of thing. I was only doing that to sort of challenge myself, and because I'm a Vicker's daughter

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Christine Chessman: to kind of, you know, unpack the repression and all that, but it was annoying doing some contemporary dance, and it's just I'm not good at it, and it's certainly not about the calorie burn. It's just about trying something different. And it really does open stuff up. And with body image fitness. There's burlesque. There's so many different. Have you tried the burlesque?

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Liana: Yeah, I did. I did a few sessions with Hildy. It's just her classes, one at a time. I can't really do the live classes, but I went to an in person class that was near Maine, which is burlesque

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Liana: and I was so excited to do because I don't want to build these classes, and then this lady was lovely, but the whole routine was just not catered for people with a bigger body.

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Christine Chessman: Oh, it's sick! We have like.

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Liana: Chair routine, and I was like this chair. I don't trust this chair because it was kind of leaning back and things, and I thought.

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Liana: and I did feed back to her after as a message afterwards, because I did enjoy it, and I had a really good laugh with my friends. But I remember messaging rafters and going. I would just say if if there had been an option for another chair, because I just ended up sitting, you know kind of sitting at the back of the class.

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Liana: Worrying about this chair the whole time.

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Christine Chessman: No, that's not us. Yeah.

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Liana: Oh, but you know, if it, the the instructor herself is obviously she lives in a smaller body, and she was really receptive. But you know. Thank you so much, taking that, you know, letting me know, and I'll take it on board. But yeah, he'll discuss his group, brilliant and and I think that's what I like about

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Liana: finding new things just completely random new things. Because, like you said, just trying new stuff and seeing how you feel, because

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Liana: there's certain things I remember doing

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Liana: yoga a couple of years ago and said to my therapist, I did yoga, and one time I just burst into tears.

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Christine Chessman: Oh!

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Ela Law: Yeah, something.

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Liana: I? I am not a crier. I did not cry easily, and I remember doing it again. Why am I crying? And my therapist his wife, is a yoke teacher, and he was like, that's a really good thing, you know. That's actually a positive thing. But it was the 1st time I went. Whoa! The body and the mind.

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Christine Chessman: Oh, that's crazy!

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Ela Law: Release, isn't it? Do you know what.

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Liana: Yeah.

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Ela Law: Because I don't know if you've done anything with Doris on body image fitness she does the yoga and her. Her Yoga style is trauma, informed Yoga. So the way that she teaches it is really interesting in terms of the wording that she uses, because there's a there's a lot of sort of allowing. And there's a lot of permission to to do things. And she said very often that can lead to emotions coming up. And you're releasing your emotions

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Ela Law: by just allowing you to do a particular posture in a certain way, or the way that feels good to you that can bring out that kind of

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Ela Law: emotion. So it's really interesting you should share that with with

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Ela Law: that, with your experience with that Yoga session. It's it's so fascinating, isn't it?

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Ela Law: I have to.

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Liana: I think I've seen her classes. But again, it's just just not one I've got into. I think that yoga thing kind of always put me off a little bit. I thought, Oh, I'm not sure. But yeah, I know they need to. Kind of. Obviously I need to come out with it. But yeah, just new stuff.

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Christine Chessman: Yeah, I.

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Liana: When you're doing things with other people, and you can kind of be a little bit silly with it and stuff I did the the Twerking, you know, with 9.

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Liana: So good, but I again I couldn't get to the live classes, and so I went to one live, and then I think I did the rest on recording, but the energy in the class and the energy. And and I got but I did get in my head the 1st session. I was like. My body doesn't move like other people's.

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Liana: And and it was her that was like there was no right and wrong budget.

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Christine Chessman: Yeah.

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Liana: You know. And then I was like, Oh, yeah, you just kind of have to release yourself and go

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Liana: just enjoy it. It doesn't always looking at you. I'm in my lounge on my own.

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Christine Chessman: You know, you know what you've what you've said that I really want to touch on is that you've got to find a class that works for you. Because I teach Pilates and traditional Pilates

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Christine Chessman: circles. There is a right way, and there is a certain way your body should look, and I'm doing inverted commas here. In certain poses, and

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Christine Chessman: that is not if you know, you've got to find instructor who challenges that actually.

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Christine Chessman: and who you think completely comfortable with, and you're in a safe space with, that's the most important thing. So never think it's about you. You've got to feel

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Christine Chessman: comfortable and safe in that class. Does that mean? Am I making sense, Ella?

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Ela Law: Make total sense. And I think I think that's a sign of a good instructor. If it's someone who makes you feel safe and makes you feel like you can do.

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Christine Chessman: Never. It's never about you or your body. That is never the problem. And if you're meant to feel that that's the problem.

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Ela Law: And the instructors.

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Christine Chessman: That is, maybe just not the class for you, you know you need to find but on that note

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Christine Chessman: we wanted to ask, why do you like body image fitness? What is your favorite class

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Christine Chessman: now? You don't need to say favorite class, because they're all your favorite. Why do you like body image fitness?

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Liana: I like it because I love the variety of instructors, and I love that there are instructors who are bigger body or different bodies.

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Liana: I've done. I've done all different classes. I think my favorite, when I 1st got in involved in it was Misfits. Becky.

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Christine Chessman: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

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Liana: Like, because

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Liana: we've done playgrounds, and we did dancing and things of that. And again it was just, I think, the 1st time I did the dance one I remember finishing and going well, I'm not really sure if that was a workout, because I didn't get hot and sweaty and red face, and that's how I really thought rather than going.

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Liana: And then I thought about afterwards and went.

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Liana: I laughed so much because I was. I'm not very coordinated, but also the song, or you know, and I just. And it was like that that simple act of did I get much of a workout

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Liana: completely understood the fact. I had a really fun hour.

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Christine Chessman: Yeah.

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Liana: And afterwards I was like, you know what? I'm just gonna go and have fun with it.

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Liana: And I am just gonna go and and you kinda get to know these familiar faces who are there? And you can kind of Rec. You can ask for certain songs, and Becky would.

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Christine Chessman: Too long.

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Liana: So and I thought, Yeah, this isn't. This is different. This is the exercise that is very different to me. And that was kind of the 1st time I went. Okay.

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Liana: so I I love.

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Liana: And I like how none of the instructors await focus. There is no.

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Liana: you know, feel the burn. Come on, get this done, you know, when I used to do Kim's early morning classes. And she would, you know, and she would say, you know, just do what you can. It doesn't. It doesn't.

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Christine Chessman: Yeah.

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Liana: If you want to go a bit harder, go a bit harder, if not, it doesn't matter, and you do the same in your classes, Christine, and I think.

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Christine Chessman: Yeah.

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Liana: That's what I like, because there's some days where I'm like I want to. We do care boxing like. Come on, I need to.

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Liana: I've got some rage times on the Monday morning where I'm like, I just need to wake up

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Liana: and.

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Christine Chessman: I have to say. Liana is like the 1st person on the zoom. Ella.

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Ela Law: Oh, 6 like she's 0 6.

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Christine Chessman: 25 in the morning. It's like crazy.

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Ela Law: Were keen to move.

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Christine Chessman: Up, back.

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Ela Law: I've signed up for the for the

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Ela Law: for the cozy cardio for next week.

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Christine Chessman: Oh!

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Ela Law: That.

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Christine Chessman: Yay. Oh, Ella, that's gonna.

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Ela Law: Unless I've

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Ela Law: don't get. But I'm I'm usually up at that time, so I'll be there.

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Christine Chessman: Oh, I can't wait. I cannot wait now. We're gonna have to tie things up, even though we could talk to you all day and all night. And did you wanna ask the question about your younger self, Ella?

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Ela Law: Oh, that could go deep, though. Just to be.

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Christine Chessman: The line.

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Ela Law: You kind of alluded to younger liana earlier. But if you had anything to say to your younger self.

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Ela Law: what would it be? Would it be some sort of kind of advice, or what would you? What would you say to young Liana, knowing what you know? Now.

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Liana: I'm not sure that there's kind of one piece of advice I would give, cause I think it's really a learning. It's just learning a whole new way. But I think

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Liana: it's been interesting to me when I've thought about what I I went back to the States a few weeks ago, and met up with a couple of cousins who are on their own kind of journey with

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Liana: with them, eating and the way they eat, and the way their body looks and stuff.

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Liana: And I think you know, when I said to them.

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Liana: the same thing I've said to you guys tonight about, you know the journey where I started my journey, and I think the problem is, I I don't want to put any kind of blame on my family, because this is all learned and it's generational.

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Liana: But I think back to when I was little and recently, when I got loads of pictures of me at a very young age. I was kind of surprised because I went.

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Liana: I just like a normal kid.

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Liana: but I can tell you I remember from a very young age, feeling like I was, and I hate this word. I was heavy.

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Liana: I was heavier, and I've always been aware that I've been the biggest one in my head. I've always been. I'm the bigger one in the group. I'm the big one. I'm the fat one.

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Liana: and that wasn't.

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Liana: I don't remember anyone specifically saying that to me. But I think I was growing up around people who are having those conversations about their own body.

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Liana: And I think that's

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Liana: I I wish I could have had someone in my life at the time who was like me now, and who could go.

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Liana: It doesn't have to be, you know, we don't have to be like this. We don't have to have. This doesn't matter.

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Liana: There isn't the focus of the body, because it was always very much conversations of.

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Liana: When you lose the weight you will dot dot dot.

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Liana: The way, and I think I kind of put a lot of things on hold.

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Liana: And I've I've been a lot bigger than I am now, and I've been a lot smaller, and nothing's really changed.

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Christine Chessman: Now.

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Liana: Nothing's really changed about the way I feel. You know I I do more now, even though I'm probably bigger than I was a few years ago. I actually do more activities, and I enjoy my life a lot more. So. I wish I could have had that insight, and I hope I can kind of give that to other people in my family who are younger than me and who are going.

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Liana: Oh, hold on! Yeah, there is some issues here.

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Liana: I'm not putting any kind of blame on family, because with that's it's just the culture we've grown up in.

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Christine Chessman: Exactly.

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Liana: But I like, I like the fact now that we can go. Actually, this doesn't have to be the way it is anymore.

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Liana: You know there are other ways we can think.

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Liana: You know. I've always said you know my grandmother was well into her eighties, and she was still going to weight watches, and to me and to me. That's and she wasn't necessarily going to diet.

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Liana: It was a social thing, but I do remember growing up. She would eat in a certain way, and it would always be like, I need to watch my way, and

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Liana: why? Why we're watching our way. I don't stand so. I you know I I just want to make sure I don't do that for my

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Liana: son, my kids.

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Liana: and I. I just wish someone could have been there saying that to me when I was younger. But

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Liana: all I can think is

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Liana: hopefully, that'll be the way that the next generation is. We kind of have that questioning going in now.

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Ela Law: So that will really resonate with quite a lot of people who are listening to this, and hopefully, if anyone's listening who has their own children, or who has children around them, will take that on board, and maybe be that person that you wanted when you were younger.

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Ela Law: And and yeah, and be that influence.

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Ela Law: Thank you so much for sharing that it's been a wonderful conversation, really really enjoyed it.

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Christine Chessman: Absolutely wonderful to have you on. And, as we said to Abby, last time, we might have to have you on for part 2.

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Liana: Yeah.

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Christine Chessman: Not enough.

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Liana: Oh!

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Christine Chessman: Yeah, thank you so much, Leanna. And this episode, for everybody listening will be out. Well, you'll hear you're listening to it. Then it will be already out. Thank you, Leanna.

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Ela Law: Thank you.

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Liana: Yeah.

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Christine Chessman: We'll be back next week.

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Ela Law: Aye.