How to Manage the Fear of Weight Gain over 40.

Wow this one was juicy.

I have to say, Ela and I were both ON it for this episode😘     

Ela had been finding in sessions that many of her clients were scared, not just of weight gain but of what digging deeper into their dieting history would involve. 

Leaving the perceived 'safety' and 'control' around dieting or 'watching our weight' can make us feel uneasy.
 Trusting our body and our intrinsic cues takes time.   Bri Campos talks about body image healing being an 'excavation' rather than a 'journey' and there is certainly no destination.  
Please enjoy the episode and let us know what you think. 

Are you simply fed up with hating your body? Are you stuck in the 'earn and burn' cycle when it comes to exercise?
You are not alone and your body is NOT the problem

Please reach out if you would like some support. We both have limited slots for Intuitive Eating and Strength Coaching, so get in touch with Christine or with Ela.

AND if you enjoyed this episode, please share and follow the 'Find Your Strong podcast' and if you have time, write us a short review. It would honestly mean the world. Love to you all, Ela & Christine x

Transcript

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Christine Chessman: Hi, Ella! How are you?

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Ela Law: I'm very well. How are you?

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Christine Chessman: I'm okay. As you know, I'm recovering from a horrible tummy bug.

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Christine Chessman: So as

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Christine Chessman: I felt better in my life. But I'm much better today than I was yesterday. So maybe it was a 3 day thing.

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Ela Law: You showed up so well done.

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Christine Chessman: No. Oh, I love the podcast. I'm always gonna show.

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Ela Law: It's it's it's lovely to to chat to you. Yeah, today, I thought we could broach something that will go a little bit deep. Cause. It's something that's kind of cropped up

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Ela Law: for me with my work and with sort of speaking to people, which is the fear that we might experience when we decide to leave dieting and diet culture behind. Because I think that for a lot of us it can bring up an awful lot of

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Ela Law: stuff that we've tried to leave in the past.

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Ela Law: And yeah, I was just wondering what you thought of that, and whether that whether you've encountered that with your clients, or for yourself, or anything that you sort of

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Ela Law: can think of when it comes to that

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Ela Law: sort of fear around moving to somewhere that we might not know. Moving to the unknown.

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Christine Chessman: Oh, I mean, that's a big question, isn't it?

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Ela Law: That.

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Christine Chessman: I think it's all about the fear. I think the fear is stopping most of us from taking that next step.

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Christine Chessman: and that's keeping us in that perceived control. I always say perceived control, because we don't have control over our bodies, as we often say, but I think so many of us, you know, are are a bit scared of how our bodies will respond if we

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Christine Chessman: so that's the 1st thing. If we suddenly stop monitoring them and monitoring every little bite that goes into our mouths, and every calorie that we burn off at the gym. What, actually, what's our body gonna do? How is it gonna change, you know. Will I still be able to fit in my clothes? Will I still be attractive? Those are really real fears for people.

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Christine Chessman: and as you hit that perimenopause post menopause years, you know, it's called the second peak of bodies dissatisfaction. So it's like the hormones. Just increase that the fluctuating hormones increase that sense of body dissatisfaction. We may be holding weight differently anyway, on our bodies. So it's

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Christine Chessman: it's really hard, I think that's the 1st thing I would say. But also.

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Christine Chessman: if you are digging into your dieting past.

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Christine Chessman: there's a lot of pain.

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Christine Chessman: the body pan there, there's a lot of body shaming, you know, there's a lot of memories that maybe you don't want to think about. Maybe things you don't want to think about that you've buried under the carpet.

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Christine Chessman: Trauma for some people there's a there's. There's a lot of factors that would make you think it's just easier to carry on as you are.

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Ela Law: Yeah.

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Ela Law: yeah, totally. I think the the 1st point, I I think, is, is so true that fear of gaining weight and not knowing

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Ela Law: how our bodies will respond to

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Ela Law: being more intuitive, and to letting go of that of that control of that we have to monitor every single thing that we do, and we eat, and everything, and and and worrying about, you know, gaining weight, which, to be honest with you, I would say the majority of people who at least those that come from a restrictive kind of

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Ela Law: mindset and background that is quite likely to happen, and that can feel really really scary, and people say, Well, I don't want to put on weight. I don't want to change my dress size from practical points, but also from a fear of what does that actually mean? If I put on weight, what will that mean in terms of how I think about myself? But also how other people think about me if I gain weight. So there is this real real

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Ela Law: problem and

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Ela Law: and concern about that. But also, as I said, from a practical point of view. I've had lots of people say to me, well, I can't afford to buy a whole new wardrobe if I now put on lots of weight. So there's all sorts of things that are.

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Christine Chessman: I would counter that if they suddenly lost it, I think they would have no problem. Finding.

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Ela Law: That's such a good point.

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Christine Chessman: Some way around it, so I'm not saying there.

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Christine Chessman: So if they don't have the funds, but they'd find some way around it. I think it's I still think it's better than that

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Christine Chessman: nervousness of gaining weight. And what does that say about me? Does that say I'm busy? Does that say, you know I'm not quite good enough? I'm not attractive. What does that say about me? I don't work hard enough. I don't exercise enough.

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Christine Chessman: you know. What does. What does that say about my value as a person. It's

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Christine Chessman: it's kind of digging into that, isn't it?

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Ela Law: Yeah. And I think that is scary, because often we quite like to keep all the stuff under the carpet and not dig it up and and explore it, because that is just so much more challenging than to just keep doing what we're doing. And I sometimes do this sort of cost benefit analysis with with my clients to kind of see? Well, what's the cost of

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Ela Law: sticking to what you're doing? What's the benefit of it? And what's the cost of changing things. And what's the benefit of it? And sometimes that's a real eye opener, because it's like, actually.

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Ela Law: there's not an awful lot of benefit to sticking with what I'm doing. There is one, and often it's a sort of a secondary benefit, but but generally

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Ela Law: generally the the wish to make a change is bigger, because the perceived benefit of doing that, and the real benefit of doing that is is just so much more worth it for them. So.

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Ela Law: but you need to be in a place where

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Ela Law: where you, where you get that, and where you feel ready to confront all of your demons from the past and and dredge up some stuff that might be uncomfortable and actually be open to as you set sitting in the suck and just being

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Ela Law: being okay with that, and understanding that you know that that is part of the healing process.

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Christine Chessman: And it's it's, you know, it's something that's bounded about a lot. It's the term doesn't align with your value. So what.

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Christine Chessman: What I'm saying is, I wanna keep myself really small. Why, why do I wanna keep myself small? Would I want my friend to keep herself small by monitoring every bite that she eats, and having no freedom around food, not being able to have an ice cream with her child on the beach. No, I would not, so that, you know by would do it to myself. Why, why? And it's it's a question I serve. Always ask clients. But

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Christine Chessman: what is your goal? With that, you know it's

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Christine Chessman: why do you want to keep yourself small? What is the benefit of that? You know? It's exactly that it's that benefit and analysis, isn't it?

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Christine Chessman: What are you losing? What are you gaining? It's a very simple idea, but it's if you actually write it down.

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Christine Chessman: What you're gaining is like. Paige is.

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Ela Law: It just.

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Christine Chessman: Things and what you're losing, even though it seems small.

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Christine Chessman: It's very grippy gripped onto you, doesn't it?

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Ela Law: Yeah, and I think sometimes it's a really good exercise to do to actually physically, write it down as you said, you you will be often astounded. How many benefits

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Ela Law: moving away from dieting and actually change, changing your life around your sort of relationship with food and movement, and how much, how many benefits that would bring you. And

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Ela Law: you know I'm not saying that that one benefit that you might find by staying small and staying thinner, or whatever it is that that can't be your priority for some people it still is for some people that that is the most important thing. But I think

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Ela Law: when we sort of confront what that actually means, and investigate what that actually means.

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Ela Law: we can really confront the fear that's underlying it.

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Christine Chessman: And I think the fair. There's so many places you could go with this.

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Christine Chessman: I often quote Doctor Jen Salad Huber, who's menopause nutritionist online, but she often says there's no room for living. If you can't sit on the beach and have an ice cream with your daughter or your son, now obviously lactose free, if you're intolerant or anything like that. But I think and she also says, which I find very interesting. She says, if body image is driving your self-esteem bus. You will never be happy.

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Ela Law: -

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Christine Chessman: And I think for many of us it is.

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Christine Chessman: I think we certainly for me, for most of my life. If I have been in a heavier body or a lighter body. That's determined how I feel about myself.

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Ela Law: this.

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Christine Chessman: And that is a very sad and very honest thing to say. It doesn't anymore.

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Christine Chessman: But it certainly did for many years.

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Ela Law: I think you're not alone in that. I think there's quite a lot of people who feel the same. It's the same kind of thing with weighing yourself daily and letting the number dictate how you feel on that given day. And there's so many people who still do that, who let that dictate

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Ela Law: that their whole lives, basically what they eat, what they do, how they feel their emotional kind of state. And it's

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Ela Law: it's so sad, really, because, as you said, you're not actually living

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Ela Law: your life, are you? You can't live your life. I love what Jen Hoover said. I think that's that's brilliant. It's it really isn't being present, is it? It's being your head, and really just focusing on one aspect of you rather than embracing the rest of

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Ela Law: what there is out there for you.

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Christine Chessman: And in terms of movement. So some people say, oh, there's no joyful movement movement so, and you can't. So Bree. Campbell says this, and we talked about pre campus earlier.

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Ela Law: Systemic.

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Christine Chessman: You can't have joyful movement in a body. You're not connected to.

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Ela Law: -

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Christine Chessman: And most of us are, especially if we're trying to maintain and beat our body into submission, to look a certain way all the time. And you know, even though it's naturally gonna change. And we can't be present with that body because we're actively always trying to change that body.

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Christine Chessman: We're not living in that body we're thinking of when it gets to here when it gets to. So you can't be present with it. If that makes sense, you can't connect fully

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Christine Chessman: so it's harder to really experience joy in movement in a body that you

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Christine Chessman: don't accept

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Christine Chessman: or don't connect to.

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Ela Law: Yeah, that makes complete sense. That reminds me a little bit of what Lindsey and Lexi Kite say in their book more than a body where it's it's about. It's almost like we are. We are looking at our bodies from the outside like an outsider as an object rather than being in our body as an instrument and as a as a vessel to kind of have a great time. It's very much about that, isn't it? It's almost like whatever we do, we're doing it as if we're watching ourselves rather than

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Ela Law: just being present and being there.

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Christine Chessman: Yeah. So they call it self objectification, as.

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Ela Law: Yeah, yeah.

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Christine Chessman: I find that so powerful. I think they did a study on people taking maths, exams, or something, and and they were the 1st set dressed in swimsuits, and then the second, and it was something the results were so different. Cause, you know, a lot of people who were dressing. All they could think about was their bodies, and how their bodies were looking to other people, and.

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Ela Law: Hmm.

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Christine Chessman: And just not connected in any way.

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Ela Law: Hmm.

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Christine Chessman: Yeah, but it's really hard. We're saying this like, it's easy. It's really freaking hard to keep to not want your body to look a certain way in the culture we live in. It's like

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Christine Chessman: you. You are swimming upstream.

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Ela Law: Umhm. Yeah.

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Christine Chessman: You.

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Ela Law: All the time, and it's bloody, exhausting.

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Christine Chessman: Yeah.

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Ela Law: It is. But so what would you? What would you say to somebody who

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Ela Law: who finds that

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Ela Law: being okay in their body and and trying to connect to their body. How? What a what would you? What would you recommend? So what kind of strategies, what kind of techniques, what kind of skills do you teach them or share with them? And how do you approach that that fear when someone says, I really, really, I'm scared of going there.

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Christine Chessman: In terms of movement.

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Ela Law: Yeah, in terms of movement, but also in terms of fear of gaining weight. If they don't move, say, or if they if they sort of are learning to accept that their bodies, changing.

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Christine Chessman: And I I love with clients which many of them really don't like

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Christine Chessman: initially.

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Christine Chessman: Is to slow it down the night. They might at times a day. I say, if you just go a little bit slower, if you could just slow it down because everybody is coming in and just go whack, bang! Bang! Like up and down, but because they're not connecting with the breath or their body.

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Ela Law: It's because they.

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Christine Chessman: Just want to get it done.

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Christine Chessman: and it's still that punishment earn and burn cycle that they're on. It's like more cardio, more cardio. Punish the body. Quick, punish!

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Christine Chessman: And it's you know it's telling them to actually let's tune in and break. And you know, if you breathe with the movement, especially if you're lifting with your strength, like put is much higher, can lift heavier wits. And you can, because you gotta use the muscles you've got to connect to the muscles. So the 1st thing I would do is slow it down.

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Christine Chessman: Just see. I mean, usually the exercise means a lot harder.

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Christine Chessman: So that's why people don't. But that's the 1st thing that I would do is just take it a bit slower, and that's not easy for people that's really not easy, but it's even adding like a slow session to your week. If you're a cardio, Bunny, or you're at the gym all the time adding one really gentle, not for weight loss.

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Christine Chessman: Yoga session, really gentle, like restorative Yoga session for 10 min once a week.

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Christine Chessman: That's a really good way in.

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Ela Law: and just.

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Christine Chessman: Seeing if you can connect with how your body's feeling and what X. What's sore? What's

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Christine Chessman: how this shoulder sits compared to this shoulder? Start sort of tuning in. I find that really valuable. And when you're in your body, really in it.

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Christine Chessman: and moving it, you feel so different afterwards.

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Christine Chessman: And that can sort of make you feel better about your body, Ella. So if you can get, you know Lexi and Lindsey kite. Talk about the flow state when you're in that flow state with movement that you're not thinking about what your body looks like.

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Christine Chessman: You think you feel different, it feels really different. So I don't know. That's that's my tip.

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Ela Law: Yeah, I love that so much. I do. I

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Ela Law: I think it is just really difficult for some people to connect to their bodies and having those kind of the idea of slowing things down, I get the kind of challenge in terms of eating as well. When I work with clients on

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Ela Law: on intuitive eating and and their relationship with food, and in particular, because they want to do everything straight away. And I say, No slow it down. Can we do one thing?

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Ela Law: Can we just this week? Can we focus on whatever it is and not try and do everything because it it disconnects you again because you're in your head because you're constantly thinking about. Oh, I need to do this and this, and then I need to be mindful around that. And it's like, No, because you're then thinking about being mindful. But you're not actually.

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Christine Chessman: Actually being my.

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Ela Law: Experiencing it. You're not actually feeling it, and I

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Ela Law: I think, in terms of sort of

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Ela Law: tapping into your body and connecting to your body whilst I don't work with movement, because I'm not not so fitness professional. But I do invite people to do things that have nothing to do with movement or eating for example, just say.

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Ela Law: when you brush your teeth, can you do that and really focus on what that toothbrush feels in your mouth?

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Christine Chessman: Yes.

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Ela Law: You when you make a cup of tea, can you really just notice how your hand picks up the kettle and pause, and how that feels. Where do you feel that in your body when you go outside? Can you take your shoes off and stand on the grass for.

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Christine Chessman: It's the senses, isn't it? It's just feeling into your senses. I did a post on it today. And I said, If you're having a bad body. Image Day. Look up liquor and take in the smells the signs that you know it really, frigging helps you get out of your head.

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Ela Law: Yes, I.

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Christine Chessman: Into your body, doesn't it?

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Ela Law: And wouldn't you say it's a practice that it's it can be challenging at first, st but the more you do it the easier it gets to tune in and to really.

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Christine Chessman: And I think if somebody is struggling to slow down, which, for many reasons that can be very traumatic for somebody, I think that taking a walk, and just literally, as you're saying, looking around. And maybe, you know, using your peripheral vision a little bit, and just or smelling a floor or some lavender or so. Anything like that.

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Christine Chessman: Give yourself just a moment out of that busyness that's going on. That can be a bit of connection right there, so as simple as that.

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Ela Law: Yeah, I love that. Yeah, it's just that. It's breaking that cycle of being in your head, isn't it? It's just.

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Christine Chessman: But it's it's just to what you said about the the mindful eating thing. So that's something I'm not good at.

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Ela Law: Bye, bye.

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Christine Chessman: Possible. Adhd over here. I really struggled to eat without

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Christine Chessman: the TV.

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Christine Chessman: Okay, or a book or my phone?

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Christine Chessman: I really struggle with it. If I'm with my family. No problem, we're chatting, that's great.

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Christine Chessman: But I struggle, so I occasionally take a bit of chocolate.

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Christine Chessman: Yes, I never do a reason, because that is boring. I take some chocolate, and I try and sit there for 2 min, and I go

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Christine Chessman: look at me. I'm mindfully eating. I'm so.

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Ela Law: Thanks.

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Ela Law: Just.

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Christine Chessman: And I tried to take really slow bites, and, you know, falls, and but I'm doing it. It's, it seems, contrived for me.

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Ela Law: Hmm.

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Christine Chessman: So because i i i find I don't I? So I don't pressurize clients into sitting there.

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Christine Chessman: It's like anything, and just settings fine, because I think, as you're saying, it's too much too soon.

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Christine Chessman: And I think.

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Ela Law: Scary it's it's really scary. Because if you're if you're not used to being on your own, with your thoughts and your body, because you're distracting yourself generally. It's a really scary prospect to just sit there and do nothing. That's why I love this everyday mindfulness when you're actually doing something that you do. You do every day, anyway, and doing that mindfully, like doing the dishes or brushing your teeth or rubbing in your face cream, or wherever it is.

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Ela Law: Can you do that that you're already doing mindfully, and that takes that sort of scariness away a little bit. But it's so interesting when you said about. I can't eat without distractions without having some like my book or having something. I I would say that it's

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Ela Law: it's it can be a

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Ela Law: a nice thing to do, because you're having that break of running around and working, and you want to use it in a way that you know you enjoy reading or watching the telly while you're eating. I think it is. It's absolutely fine to do that. And I often just watch my favorite program when I have lunch, I mean, hand up here. I'm not mindful eating all the time, either, but I think

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Ela Law: what mindful eating is supposed to do really is

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Ela Law: it's a bit of an overuse term, isn't it? But it helps you to check in.

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Ela Law: But you can do that before you start eating. So checking in. How hungry am I, and actually sort of going back to? When did I eat last? And how does my body feel now that I've established that I've had. I don't know. 5 h since my last meal. How is my body feeling? What is? What is it telling me?

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Ela Law: You can do that before you eat, and then you can eat, and you can watch some. Telly it might be slightly harder when you're distracted to kind of notice when you're comfortably full. If you're working on that as well. But.

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Christine Chessman: You can. What I like to do is kind of pause the TV just for a minute and just sort of think right. Hi, am I feeling? I am? I feel.

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Christine Chessman: Do I need some more food? I might, you know, just and then.

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Ela Law: Have to.

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Christine Chessman: Whatever it is.

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Ela Law: You can do that if you if you can. If you can do, if you can manage that kind of I'm stopping and starting, which which is also a practice, isn't it? It's also something that we don't do automatically. We really have to

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Ela Law: make a conscious effort there to do that.

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Christine Chessman: But I just I love. I love what you've said about this, because I think people put so much pressure on themselves, and I have a lovely client at the minute, and she's like my head is just. There's so much going on in my head and it and it's because she's trying to do it all

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Christine Chessman: perfectly, and and she's trying to do all at once, and she uses the phrase back on track, or I'll get back on track, and I'm like, No, no, there's there's no track.

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Ela Law: Track.

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Christine Chessman: No track. Don't worry, it's all. And so I'm I'm trying to encourage you to do one thing

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Christine Chessman: a week. Whether that be, you know, have one bit of movement that isn't crazy, intense.

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Christine Chessman: Or if you have a day without movement.

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Christine Chessman: that's okay, kind of so little steps rather than thinking right? You've got to do.

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Christine Chessman: Yeah, cause it can. You know, in in addition to how scary it is, anyway, you don't want to overload.

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Christine Chessman: With, like, Yeah, here's a hundred things to do. And.

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Ela Law: Yeah.

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Christine Chessman: And one other thing that I wanted to draw on was that you were talking about. People want results now they wanna not results. But they want to be able to do intuitive eating now, and they wanna be like, you know their body to find its happy place, and they wanna be all sorted. That's diet culture, that is instant gratification. Right there, that is, we want the 12 week transformation.

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Ela Law: 100%.

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Christine Chessman: And as Evelyn said to us, It's like, How long have you been in diet culture? How long have you been doing intuitive eating.

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Ela Law: Yeah.

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Christine Chessman: You cannot expect to undo 30 years.

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Ela Law: Yeah.

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Christine Chessman: Of habitual eating and moving your body in 3 months.

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Ela Law: I say that all the time, and it is so difficult because it's such a. It's so ingrained in us that if we if we do this we will get results in weeks. We will just get it, and the number of if I get a pound. Every time a client has said to me, I thought I'd be further along by now I'd be so rich, but it is like that. It is really about slowing down, and by

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Ela Law: I know this is a bit of an overused phrase, but by trusting the process, and when people do that, it's absolutely, mind-blowingly beautiful to watch and to to notice what is going on for them, now that they have trusted and that they are, they are trusting that

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Ela Law: it. It is working out in a in a way that wasn't what they had in mind. But it's okay.

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Ela Law: It's all about learning. It's all about collecting data. If you want to approach it with a scientific lens. But it is about collecting data about yourself, and just to go back to that sort of fear around it that in and of itself can be really scary, because there's probably lots of stuff that you don't want to know about yourself, that you fear is going to come up, that you have to confront stuff that you don't like about yourself.

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Ela Law: things that you are worried about

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Ela Law: all those kind of things, but by actually trusting that it will be okay. And there is someone there to to hold your hand and hold space for you, and by actually giving yourself a lot of grace and working on self-compassion and kindness towards yourself. It is actually, really okay.

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Christine Chessman: Yeah.

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Ela Law: I love hearing that from clients that they say, well, I said, what have you noticed? And they said, Well, I'm a lot kinder to myself, and that always makes me feel really happy. I love that.

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Christine Chessman: It's I think, that that phrase can't be overused. I, I always say, always leads with self compassion, always like, no matter what you know you cannot fail. And innovating, you can't fail. It's all learning. It's all data, as you're saying.

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Christine Chessman: But I think I think, Ella, that's a lovely way to finish today, because we have got another. Amazing, your story, your body story coming up. And yeah with Leanna, so that will be next.

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Christine Chessman: But thank you, that was great. I enjoy chatting to you, and could obviously keep chatting, but for the purposes of our next podcast guest, who's waiting in the wings.

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Ela Law: That was.

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Christine Chessman: Sign off this week, so thank you, everybody for listening, and we will chat to you next week.

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Ela Law: Thank you. Bye.